Found My Way Back Again

 09.07.2024/ 03. Muharam 1446H

Alhamdulillah finally , by trial n error, got here.

Where do I begin…… Syukur Alhamdulillah, all praise to Allah SWT for the mercy, compassion n ever forgiving. 

I continue to seek Your guidance n forgiveness for the on going struggle in wanting to go on living with my loved ones. 

I thank You for making it possible for Yellow Butterfly to fly home on 27 July 2024 after the passing of her loved one… Please let it be a safe journey for her…..

Daughter  n I need to work hard on the schedule juggling among all the on going events to be able to meet up with Yellow  Butterfly. Ya Allah Ya Rab please show us the best n safe way… Ameem YRA.

6.16pm…. Back again after saying my solat, praying for the best for myself, my loved ones n mankind…. In my present condition, I have to try hard to make peace with every stressor that gets my way….. Tighten, loosen, pull, push…. Not really knowing what is the limit to every attempt….🥹🥹 But I do know that, every attempt will begins with Bismillahirahmanirahim and  Inn Sya Allah……And ending with Alhamdulillah….

Since April this year, daughter helps to modify my lifestyle. By installing  an iPad stand beside my bed, she made sure that I enjoy my dramas, movies lying down with elevated feet…. Yes, the change saw the stubborn swelling in both feet disappear …. The swelling that the doctors were not successful in treating..They tested my heart, my kidney but declared that those organs have nothing to do with the swelling….Alhamdulillah one small battle won….🤲🏻

Taking another break….🥰🐰🦁

 11.29pm Ahad 31.12.2023

Farewell 2023 and welcome 2024

How to start describing the year 2023 ? From one hospital TCA to another, life goes on. Keeping journal helps to keep track of all the continueos attempts to keep on living....the endless medical investigations, the surgery, drugs n treatments..... I am being tested on one hand and  blessed on the other.... 

I am being tested with the 2 years recurrence the big CI am blessed with a loving family.... A God send daughter who takes great care of me n hubby and our 34 strong fleet of bulus....

12.00am 01.01.2024

Hello 2024. Syukur Alhamdulillah. With Allah grace I am able to be breathing this moment, this second n this minute in this new year. Feeling happy, geateful but sad... 

All the bright light, firework n cheering in of the new year in most cities all over the world cannot lessen the anger and sadness  felt over the 22 K death toll in Palestine n the on going destruction n slaughter of the helpless.... Ya Allah Ya Rabb please bring forth Your promise in the Ayat 7 Surah 17 Al-Israk.... Ameen YRA....

Òn the home front, I pray for good health, happiness, rezeki n longevity for all my loved ones. May Allah SWT bless us all with His Nùr n Hidayah always... Ameen YRA.

 7.27pm Wednesday 27.12.2023

Hello,

I am back again as usual at the end of the year.😁

Just finished watching The Street Cat Called Bob.... Very touching, very pleasing...  Love Bob dearly as though he is part of our 32 darlings fleet. His big eyes observing James every emotion; his sadness, desperation, agony, loss, joy, hope, struggle n happiness. Bob is God send to help James overcome the obstacles in making good of his 2nd chance in life to be clean n drug free... The ending shows love, compassion n humanity are much needed to make this world beautiful again....

Taking a break to solat n see to dinner..... Will be back soon....

 11.31pm Sunday 1 January 2023

In less than 30 minutes my 1st born will turn 49 years old….. Born in JB in the wee hours at the Sultanah Aminah Hospital. He was supposed to be a December child but was reluctant to see the world….. I had to endure a few nights of pain intolerant mothers-to-be ‘howling’ n cried myself to sleep in much anxiety😢

Finally, when he was ready to greet the world, my world has never been the same again… 9 months++ of endless morning sickness that reduced me to skin n bone, was worth every moment.                           Syukur Alhamdulillah I counted the fingers n toes. All there. Yes he is my son…. He needs no name tag to  say who his mother is. He is the handsomest son that belongs to the most beautiful mother in the whole wide world……

12.01am Monday 02.01.2023…..Happy birthday Sayang. May Allah SWT keep you safe always. Ameen YRA.

 

12.34am Sunday 01.01.2023

Assalamualuikum 2023

Inn Sya Allah I will try to be a better person this year.                                                                              

What is a better person ? I guess for me is…….. 

1. Live a healthy lifestyle   2. Talk less,listen more          3. Don’t procrastinate  4. Do work within ability 5. Learn more…..

Will elaborate another time. Must go to bed now… Healthy lifestyle 😁

 Thursday 20.10.2022/ 23 R. Awal 1444H ....... Did not make entry on this date😁

Thursday 03.11.2022/ 08 R. Akhir 1444H

7.13am

Usai solat, did morning exercises as usual to start a new day.         

What happened? No entry in early 2022? Too busy? Forgetful? 

Busy...yes, forgetful.....also yes 😂

Busy getting healthy. ... TCA after TCA; test after test; and now going through treatment....

Allah SWT is testing me n my family again with the illness after more than 20 years. To add to it, Mak was taken from us on Thursday, 30 March 2022..... My state of mind? Guess I can not put down in words...... Some how it is bearable because I believe in Him n His 'Ketentuan'...... When testing me, He provide me with a strong support... a loving family❤. My daughter has come home to take care of her aged parents since the onset of the pandemic. ( She just called out to me to go for breakfast... my favourite, lomaikai...😍)

Will continue later...........

Saturday 31.12.2022  10.28pm

Wow less than 2 hours before 2023..... what am I to write before saying goodbye tò 2022? Hmmmmm

What was my preoccupation for this year ? I must admit it is trying to SURVIVE... in my private space...... Just like the 1st time, I don't want to share my problem with anyone outside my immediate family circle.... I guarded the occurance so fiecely that it remains my secret till this moment. May Allah SWT forgive me for being stubborn.....

This time around, the health problem is complicated by numerous factors..... Age, Covid, existing health issues to name a few....

20 years older this time. The body natural defence machanism is definitely weaker. Memory is less sharp.... Daughter constantly reminding me to drink water😂..... Had to double check whether I have taken my daily meds n supplements..... etc, etc

Covid situation does not help..... I kept turning down doctors' advice to have the growth removed. I told them I am not taking the risk because I have not gotten my 2nd Covid booster yet.... And I am not ready to get exposed to the virus that is in the hospital air.

As for existing health issues.... there are many. The ghost of sport injuries come back to haunt...... Lumba n cervical spondylosis always cause nerve problems...... including weaker legs, back pain.... Both damaged knees worsened the condtion.... Being over weight does not help.......                                                                                                                 The damages caused by the treatment 20 years ago also add to the problem..... The right arm that developed lympodema leaves the left arm to be needled again n again... Blue black is the color...... Running vein is another legacy of the previous treatment. Blood taking is always an ordeal. Being successful the first try is very remote.....                  Having hypertention condition also makes treatment more vulnerable.... More caution needed to monitor the BP.

Well, As I always believe, Allah SWT know best. Allah SWT do not test His hamba with something beyond the hamba ability to endure. Just like the 1st time, I redha n I am working hard to find my cure. Inn Sya Allah.

With the love n support of my husband, my daughter, my son & his family n my dearest sister, the yellow butterfly, Bismillahirahmanirahim, I am saying goobye to 2022 n hello to 2023 with love...❤❤❤

Second Entry Of Year 2021

 Sunday 12 December 2021

There I go again..... One entry at the begining n one entry at the end.😁😁😁

Not going to offer any execuses this time.

Just received a call from Niel n it eases the anxiety a little. With this lingring migraine, it does mean a lot. 

Wow, Christmas is just round the corner... It hits me when Niel mentioned that he n his wife just came home from sending some money for Christmas gifts to family in Bohol.

Discussed with Irma on our  contribution. She agreed n need to talk to hubby about his contribution.... It has been our annual practice but gosh almost forgotten about it.

 Memory is that bad huh !

Besides conveying the brother's salam, I told Irma I am feeling a little sayu, sad in a way for some reason or other.... Maybe after reading some sad news on FB... Two children were orphaned due to accident on the North South Highway yesterday n a lady developed physical pain due to great stress n thought that she is going nut as no doctor could find anything wrong after running some tests. It took a patient ortho intern to tell her that her pain is real n only she has to see a different kind of doctor to get help....,

12.26am Monday 13 December 2021

After a break n a ceragem session, continued with the entry….

Looking back, it has been a tough n a trying year this 2021…. Allah SWT decide to test me again… giving back to me what I was given 20 years ago. I can not complain actually. I have been rather complacent, putting caution to the wind, did not mind my life style, did not watch my diet…… 

Have been taking Letrozole since May. Have been feeling extra tired ever since. Could not do as much gardening as I used to….It is always resting time in the afternoon…..

It is late now, so will continue when I continue…..Goodnight world😴😴😴

8.33am Monday 13 December 2021

After a good night sleep, feeling much better overall. Had aloe blend to increase immunity . Inn Sya Allah.  

This morning, expecting the tiling contractor to come n look over the new cat house n give us the quotation. Bismillahurahmanirahim... let it be a good negotiation. Amèen YRA

Had to ask the tukang ti seal back the wall. The water outlet that he is making is not viable n it will make tiling mire difficult. Moreover, the screw on cap is rather cumblesome... Eyesore from the entrance. This is the result of tukang being forgetful😐🙄 Forgot the make allowance for water drainage when cementing the floor.😔😭😢

Taking a break now....